too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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