tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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