I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
