woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
