mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
