And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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