Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
