even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize