I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
