Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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