How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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