So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
