Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
