It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
