Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
