Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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