We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
