Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
