my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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