God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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