I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
