I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
