his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
