The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
