I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
