I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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