god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You need Xanax blowdarts
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
