so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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