oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
