i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
