I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
