I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
