she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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