Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize