the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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