Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
