I think I won the penis lottery.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
