I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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