I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
