this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
