you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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