a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
