First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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