She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
