I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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