12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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