i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize