Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
