ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
you inspire me to be a worse person
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
