So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
