well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
this beer tastes like vomit already
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
