i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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