i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Michael Bay diarrhea
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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