Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
i need some magic done to my vagina
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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