im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
