And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
