I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
