What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
