Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
